It is 3:44 in the morning and I am afraid.
I’m not afraid because I am in any kind of danger. I am not afraid because I have any reason to expect danger in the future. I am afraid because I am facing what has long been my worst fear: Being alone.
This isn’t the first time that I’ve stared down this fear. Looking back over the past 5 years, it appears that I have deliberately placed myself in situations where my biggest fear will be my biggest problem.
Back in 2007 I left on my road trip. I got in a car by myself and started driving. I had no idea how long I would be gone or what would happen while I was on the road. I wanted to go, so I went.
Loneliness was immediately an issue for me, as I spent long hours alone in the car. Just me, my thoughts, and the road. Not too far into the trip, somewhere in the middle of Wyoming, I briefly wrote about being alone:
“I’m going to be alone” I wrote, “Oh being alone. I’ve got a lot to write about that, but I want to get back on the road.” I planned on writing more about the day to day experiences of being by myself for stretches of time.
I never did write any more about being alone, not like I promised in that post. I just got back on the road and kept driving.
My fears did keep building, however. A week or two later, shortly after I passed on Wal Drug’s 5 cent coffee in central South Dakota, the person who had promised to let me stay at their place that night called and cancelled. She had some kind of family emergency.
I panicked. I was in a strange place and I did not know what to do. “I began to tense up again,” I wrote, “my heart rate picked up, a combination of the Red Bull and the realization that I had no plan.”
In the first week or two of the trip I had built up an extensive network of fraternity alumni, internet friends, and internet strangers. I also had a large number of friends, friends of friends, and family of friends of friends of family,
I had a couple different maps set up for the various relationships and little circles illustrating all the various places I could stay if I so desired. Most regions of the country were dense with possible hosts. There were several stops per state on most of the east coast.
South Dakota, on the other hand, had one circle. One circle I could now cross out with an angry red pen. North Dakota and Nebraska each had none. I was in a sea of rectangular states with no little circles I could call home, not even for a night.
I eventually found a motel that was so cheap, imaginary friends could sleep free. I spent the next few hours lying in an uncomfortable bed in a smelly room, alternately not sleeping and, when I did sleep, having nightmares. After one such nightmare I wrote:
“I woke up. I felt like I had only been asleep for minutes. My heart was beating as hard as it had been when I passed out. I wasn’t going to sleep again any time soon.
“I was, simply put, afraid.
“All of my greatest fears, being alone mostly, hit me. It was now 3 am central, 1 am home.”
I eventually called some friends and realized that, even with a couple thousand miles between them and I, I wasn’t alone. I put some X-files on TV and everything felt familiar.
There are more than a couple of parallels between this night and that.
My panic attack came at about 3 am, though this time it was 3 am indochina, 1 pm home.
I’m in a strange bed in a hotel, though this time it was a 5 star hotel instead of a roadside motel (and there is a pleasant smell of lemongrass).
I calmed my fears by reaching out to friends, though this time it was over the internet and through Facebook.
My immediate desire, during my little freak out at 3:44, over an hour ago now, was to go home. To pull out. To pack up shop and leave. I can’t do that though. There is too much to lose by leaving. To little to gain at home. I have a quitting point. In a little over a year I’ll be starting grad school. There is a date in the future and I can work towards that.
I have a plan. I do know a few people in Thailand now. People that I’d call acquaintances, if not friends. I have things to keep me occupied. I’ve got classes to study for, video games to play (and a brand new gaming PC to play them on), golf to play, photos to shoot, shape to get into, and food to cook (and a kitchen to cook it in).
Work will be changing fast, and soon. It should soon be a source of a lot less stress and, hopefully, a lot more travel. Something else to keep me busy.
I tackled being alone during a three month road trip. I spent a year in Thailand alone during part I of this adventure. Part II was great, when Christie came into my life. She is gone though, back to America. Part III is here, let’s see what it has in store.
