Dean's Thailand Life Rotating Header Image

And then there was a tsunami

Apr 14th, 2012
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

This week is Songkran, the Thai New Year. It is a week-long holiday traditionally filled with a nationwide water fight. All of those words are quite specific. It truly is nationwide, you can be driving through the middle of the jungle and some kid will be standing by the side of the road with a bucket of water, waiting for a car with open window to soak the driver. It is also a week long tradition. It is difficult to go outside for the entire holiday without getting fully drenched, so I typically leave.

This time I took the advice of a friend and went on a snorkeling tour of the Similan Islands in the Andaman Sea, the southwest part of Thailand. What a stunning trip.

On the first night, I stayed in a cheap little bungalow owned by the tour operator. It had an uncomfortable bed, no air conditioner, no shower, and this view:
Rocks of Kho Lak

Early the next morning, we hopped on the boat for the four hour ride out to the islands. It was a great opportunity to get to know the 20 other people on the tour. Turns out, it was the very end of the season, so a lot of the people on the tour worked for the company. There was a large family of Swedes, one of which was also a tour guide. There was also a Swedish couple about my age, one of whom was the receptionist. There was a couple of Danish tourists in their mid thirties and a once British now Aussie family with a couple of 9 year olds. Here is the Aussie dad and his son:
Father and Son

I do have advanced dive certification, so I can scuba if I wish. I deliberately chose not to for this trip. I typically find that diving involves far more prep and post work than I really want to do for a trip like this. Plus, my camera only really works to 10 meters.

With snorkeling, unlike diving, you can just jump in and out of the water any time you like, as many times as you like. There is no danger of the bends or nitrogen narcosis. We certainly took every advantage of this. We spent essentially all day every day in the water.

I went through an entire bottle of sunscreen plus some borrowed from others as the week wore on. Jump in, snorkel, get out, dry off, lotion up while moving to the next spot, jump in again.

Snorkeling with a camera takes practice. The light is generally low, so you need to be steady. This is difficult, because fish rarely sit still, the water moves you around, and you are holding your breath.

It wasn’t until the end of the first day when I finally figured out how to do this, starting with stationary fish. Here is a highly poisonous scorpionfish, taken at dusk:
Scorpion Fish

After dinner, I went out with one of the Danes for a night dive. We found this sleeping parrotfish (the creepy looking thing):
Parrot Fish

And, most excitedly, this (also poisonous) lionfish:
Lion Fish

I had seen a sea turtle on the first day, but it was very far away and fairly small. On the second day, we had a green turtle swim by us. In this case, he swam directly underneath me. Had I reached down, I could have grabbed on. Apparently this is a very bad thing to do.
Green Turtle

Shortly after this, at the very next site, we found a critically endangered hawksbill turtle. Unfortunately, I made the horrible decision to not bring my camera on that trip. Someone else did get a great photo of me with the turtle, I just have to get it from him, he has my email address.

At some dive sites, we decided it was more fun to simply jump off the boat than to actually go snorkeling.
Bubble Flight

And we spent a bit of time just relaxing at pristine white sand beaches. Since the Andaman sea has no surf whatsoever, you can float in the very warm salt water just off the beach indefinitely. It is probably one of the most relaxing things on earth.
Me in the Bay

As the trip went on, I started to learn where and when I could find fish. Anemonefish were particularly difficult, as the reefs had been devastated by the tsunami back in 2004. We only saw a couple of anemone, but they did have anemonefish in them:
Anemonefish in an Anemone

We were supposed to go to one more dive site on the second day. We were pulling into “Donald Duck Bay” when the boat suddenly turned around and powered out to sea. All of the other boats nearby did the same. Our guide came upstairs from the captains cabin and explained that there had been an earthquake nearby. We were going into deep water, where a tsunami wouldn’t be an issue. That was all he knew.

We didn’t have much else to do but swap horror stories about earthquakes and tsunamis. The Thai boat crew had all been here at the last tsunami, but none of the westerners had. One guy named Jimmy got to Thailand just a month afterwards and took part in the cleanup. His stories involved destroyed buildings, rubble, and dead bodies. Apparently he also has a scene in the upcoming movie about the tsunami. As a Californian I knew a bit about earthquakes, but nothing about tsunamis.
Yay Bubbles

Eventually we found out that the earthquake was an 8.7, only a tiny bit weaker than the 9.0 of the one that caused the devastating tsunami earlier. The captains of all the nearby boats, including ours, were in constant contact. With a lack of any real information, this meant they were just sharing rumors and theories about the best places to put the boats. We went closer to shore (though always a kilometer or so out), further from shore, east of the island, and west of the island.

Eventually we heard that a tsunami had passed us, and that it was only 18 inches. Since the tide was out, the wave didn’t do anything notable whatsoever save for the panic and evacuation. In other words, it was a story creator. One that doesn’t involve rubble or bodies.

By the time the warning went from red to green, the sun had set. The next morning, we headed to the last dive site, Koh Bon. Koh Bon is the place to find manta rays, and we did find rays. Big ones.
Taking a photo of taking a photo of a Manta Ray

Manta Rays are filter feeders, which means they only spend time in water murky with silt. This is great for them, but terrible for underwater visibility and photography.
Can't Take My Eyes Off It

They are such enormous creatures, slowly moving around the ocean, turning in big sweeping turns.
Turning Ray

One actually turned directly towards me, giving me a nearly frighting look at its very very strange looking face.
Manta Ray Right On

And that was it, time to head home. One of my favorite vacations. Such a beautiful trip.

Posted in: Photography.

Bond

Mar 30th, 2012
by Dean Croshere.
1 comment

This post has a soundtrack. Start this song now:

Bond has recently become my go-to “driving home from a networking event music.” It is exciting, powerful, music. Music that perfectly complements a feeling of accomplishment.

“Recently” is important here, because for most of the past three years, networking events have been rather bittersweet. The events have been fantastic opportunities to talk to people who have interesting things to say. People that make products for companies you have heard of, products you have probably used.

Unfortunately, most of these events have been frustrating. I usually found myself trying to join in conversations with the other businessfolk. Largely, I failed. I typically left the party early, tired of short and uninteresting conversations. Tired of looking around the room at people’s backs.

I stand out: I’m young and significantly so. There is rarely anyone in the room within 10 or 15 years of my age. I always feel acutely aware of this. Still, it is likely that this was simply an excuse, a way for me to blame others for my failings.

It doesn’t help that as the least experienced person in the room running the smallest factory, I had little to offer. My anecdotes weren’t relatable, my challenges weren’t significant, and my company was unlikely to provide a useful service to anyone else.

As my third year began to approach, however, I noticed that things were changing. No longer the new guy, I started to have a foundation regarding the way things work in Thailand. I had anecdotes to share and intelligent questions to ask. I started to learn how to listen and encourage people to continue talking. I might have even started to learn how to be a people person, but that might be ambitious.

The past few networking events have been spectacular. I made jokes that people laughed at. People didn’t walk away from me at the first opportunity. People asked me questions, they wanted to know how I would solve certain problems. Some people even joined conversations I was already involved in.

A couple weeks back, I went to my first event with the British Chamber of Commerce, quite active in the area. It was a seminar on “keeping good people.” I knew a few of the people there, but I spent most of my time talking to an entirely new crowd. It was fantastic.

I had a nice long conversation with the GM of Ford’s new plant. Ford is listed on all of USC’s marketing materials as one of the companies in Thailand that you might have the opportunity to work with as a student. The guy I talked to hadn’t heard of it, though he has only been in Thailand for 3 years now.

I enjoy thinking that I currently have opportunities that my soon to be 6 figure education might not be able to provide. The event was made more exciting by one of the gentlemen I met. He extended the invitation to another event, a BCCT dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town.


There were 25 people in the room, each twice my age or better (there was even an awkward conversation about how “we aren’t 30 anymore”). I knew the guy who had invited me and one other. I first walked in the door of this magnificent place and was terrified. There were a few huddles of people in conversation and I was quickly shut out. People’s backs. Wonderful.

But then I found myself in a conversation. And it was interesting. Animated, even. Someone else came over and joined in. We were talking about planes, the companies that flew them, designed them, maintained them, fighter jets, it jumped around quickly. It even involved possible contacts at Boeing that I should look up after I return to the States. Fantastic.

The dinner itself had assigned seating. I was sitting next to the evening’s host, the owner of a local radio station. I was across from the GM of GM, next to the director of a large metal fab business, and across from the GM of Ducati. I felt fantastic to be involved.

Interestingly, the GM of GM was a guy I had met before. I fear I had been less than accommodating at the time. We were at the go-karting track and I acted distracted and uninterested in what he had to say. I didn’t know who he was. I hate that it matters.

There was a significant bumping incident on the track though, something that was not his fault. It kind of boggles my mind that this is the sort of thing that just happens now.

Anyway, the dinner was fantastic, I was invited back. I not only received a bunch of business cards, but followup emails the next day. People were glad to meet me AND interested in continuing communication.

That is the sort of meeting that makes me want to listen to Bond.

Posted in: Musings.

Waiting at 525 mph

Jan 7th, 2012
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

It’s an odd feeling, standing in line for the restroom at 525 miles an hour. Here I stand, vaugely uncomfortable, waiting, somewhere over the Pacific.

I’m waiting for relief, though I know it will be minor. Just a little change on a hurtling jet plane, on the way to something new. I am in motion, but the view out the tiny window from the emergency exit door informs little. They tell me where I’m going, and I think they’re right, but things can go wrong.

This is an analogy, by the way. One that is extended enough that I feel the need to explain that. My thoughts are so consumed by the blissful torture of waiting for the future that even a moment of waiting for the bathroom becomes an analogy.

I remember the past few weeks with intense fondness, a little regret, and considerable pain. I look forward to the next few weeks with quite similar feelings.

I felt needed and wanted during my little trip back to the States. Everyone should feel needed and wanted, it is the best feeling in the world.

Still, I find ways to suffer by the relationship that can’t be everything I want. I’ll never understand the human ability to focus on pain when there is so much pleasure to be happy about.

I’ve learned how important it is to come home frequently. At least twice a year. The brutal loneliness of living so far from home clearly wears me down. I suffer as an employee, as a friend, and as a person when I don’t come home and reconnect with my roots on a regular basis. I need to know my roots.

Val’s advice, written on Cartman, should have taught me that.

I feel recharged. I’m ready to go back to Thailand, but that doesn’t mean my mind is settled. I wrote not too long ago that I wasn’t yet worried about getting into USC. I had an interview to prepare for. I had something to do. Now I don’t. I can only wait.

Now I’m worried.

And with fear of the future comes an intense desire to keep what I have. The frustrating impatience with the present is replaced with an anxiety about the result of someone else’s decision.

Of anxieties to choose, and I’m lucky enough to have had the opportunity to make a choice, this is a great one. The future will come, and, much like the lands this plane is travelling to, it will be exotic. I feel stagnant and impatient, standing here, waiting. At times, it is easy to forget that I’m waiting at 525 miles per hour.

Posted in: Musings.

The Benefits of Dreading the Future

Dec 4th, 2011
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

For one blissfully painful month, I was terribly afraid. I was afraid that all of my best laid plans for the future would come crashing down on me in a cacophony of dings. I also began to really enjoy my job. I now think these things were related.

As of November 1, I had submitted all of my applications for business school. USC, MIT, Stanford, and Berkeley were reviewing my application and would either respond with an invite or a deny, referred to as a “ding.”

USC was the first school with a deadline, it was also the easiest school to get into. If I didn’t hear from USC before December 1, I knew I had no chance to get into grad school at all. I had no idea what I would do. Try to keep my job and reapply next year? Apply round 3 to even easier schools? Try international schools? Maybe go back to America and try my hand at the worst labor market in 70 years. None of those things sound great. In fact, the possibility that I may have to scrap my plans for a top tier school really shook me. I was dreading the future.

I guess I’ve built up a bit of a complex about this whole business thing. People keep telling me I’ll get in, that always feels good, but what if they are wrong? What if I am wrong about who I am and I am just misleading them? As long as I am in Thailand, at least I’ve got this thing that is awesome.

Anyway, the possibility of a really rough 2012 made my situation in Thailand in 2011 suddenly far more bearable. It isn’t so bad here, I have a great job, great opportunities, and great experiences. I want to go home, it has been a long year, but this job is a big thing to lose without a sure thing to go to.

The coming of winter is always a smug time to live in Thailand. People complain about the freezing cold weather, I pretend complain about the perfectly balmy weather and my sun burn I got windsurfing. The brief period before the tourists come to enjoy said balmy weather is great.

I did hear from USC, though. They invited me to interview and I will do so on campus in the first week of the year. There is still a possibility that I will not get in, but I’m not yet worried about it.

As such, I am once again looking forward to the future with great anticipation. In the short term there is a coming vacation and that on-campus interview. In the long term there is business school and all of the hobnobbing that comes with that. In the longer term, there is the sort of career that comes with having a top-notch MBA.

Those things are fantastic things to look forward to, but they make my current situation much more difficult to be happy about. Once again, I want to move on. I don’t want to be here. I’ve got senioritis.

Posted in: Uncategorized.

On the value of Scrabble letters for scoring bingos

Sep 20th, 2011
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

In Scrabble, you can score a 50 point bonus by laying down all seven of the letters on your board. In Words with Friends, you score a 35 point bonus by doing the same. Since I play Words with Friends more often than scrabble, the remainder of this will assume Words with Friends numbers for tile and point distribution.

One of the more popular strategies is to hoard letters that are more likely to form seven or eight letter words (eight letter words use a letter already on the table). According to the wikipedia article on the subject, “flexible letter groups like SANTER are built up until an easy bingo is formed.”

I was curious, just what letters DO make easy bingos? one A is useful, two As are less useful, three even less useful. Should I ditch a second A in hopes of drawing something more useful? What is the average value of a letter in forming a bingo? So I wrote and ran a little computer program to find out.

Please note that while bingos can certainly be formed with words of nine letters or longer, I have ignored them for this analysis. This is only for 7 and 8 letter words. Also note that I assume all words are equally easy to recall in an actual game. This is a rather significant and obviously incorrect assumption.

So, the absolute first thing I noticed in my analysis? 1 A is not as high as I expected. It is down around number 5. In fact, 1 A is less useful than 1 I. 2 As are effectively as useful as 2Is.

From here on out, “words” means “words with seven or eight letters common to both the TWL2006 and CSW2007 word lists”

Here are the the top 10 letters:
48% of words have at exactly one e.
43% have exactly one s
43% have exactly one i
40% have exactly one r
40% have exactly one a
34% have exactly one n
32% have exactly one t
31% have exactly one l
31% have exactly one o
24% have exactly one d

So “SANTER” is all in the top ten, but the top six are actually “RISEAN”. Drop the T, add an I (or just keep the T and a list of 7 useful letters).
There are 69 8 letter words that contain all 7 of those letters plus one other letter, considered to already be on the board. 10 words that contain exactly those 7 letters.

But what about multiple letters? How fast does the value of a letter fall off with multiples?

Answer: Fast.
E: 48% have exactly 1. 17% have exactly 2. 2% have exactly 3. 67% have at least 1.
I: 43% have exactly 1. 8% have exactly 2. 51% have at least 1.
A: 40% have exactly 1. 8% have exactly 2. 49% have at least 1.
O: 31% have exactly. 7% have exactly 2. 38% have at least 1.
U: 23% have exactly. 2% have exactly 2. 25% have at least 1.

Ok, how fast is that?
Well, more words have 1 k than 2 as. More words have 1 v than 2 os. Incidentally, more words have 1 k than 1 f, despite the f being worth 4 points and the k being worth 5.

Now the real question:
I do not have a bingo, but I want one. What tiles should I keep which should I ditch?

The likelihood that you will draw a tile more valuable than the one in your hand is a complex formula. It depends on the tiles in your hand, the tiles on the board, and the tiles you are discarding.

Still, I can make some assumptions to provide us with some useful numbers. Assuming all of the tiles are still in the bag (or tiles have been drawn perfectly proportionally), there is a 70% chance you will draw one of the top 10 letters or a blank.

However, if you already have an e, there is a 12% chance that you will draw a second e, a relatively low value tile for bingo purposes.

Perhaps I should write a “keep or ditch” calculator.

Posted in: Uncategorized.

The taste for emotions of surprise

Sep 12th, 2011
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

“There are two kinds of taste, the taste for emotions of surprise and the taste for emotions of recognition.” -Henry James, Partial Portraits

I recently read this Wine Spectator article about why Matt Kramer prefers to drink cheap wine. Essentially, he is arguing that he prefers the variation and surprise that comes from cheap wine to the regularity and recognition of expensive wine. Now, I’m not nearly so well versed in wine that I can claim any untasted bottle of wine is predictable, but I thought the Henry James quote Kramer uses to support his argument is worth exploring.

For a long time, The Red Hot Chili Peppers have been my favorite band. I had a great time at their Stadium Arcadium tour back in 2006, and their albums have seen heavy rotation ever since I first listened to Californication in High School. Their first album since Stadium Arcadium finally came out this past month and it is quite decent, clearly more Chili Peppers, but I am not at all interested.

In this case, my musical tastes appear to have moved on from emotions of recognition to the emotions of surprise. My favorite new albums are Tourist History by Two Door Cinema Club and the self-titled Johnossi. They are each fairly typical alt-rock, but it’s new and particularly more interesting than the same sound I’ve been listening to for the past 10 years.

Well, those and Lost Souls by Spaccanapoli, an Italian group that sings incredibly powerful songs about god knows what in Italian. A couple of their songs feature in The Sopranos, wonderful stuff.

I wanted to make an overarching claim to the way I have changed based on my recent musical interests, but I realized I became interested in Spaccanapoli while watching The Sopranos, a TV show I have already seen. Clearly I’m chasing down some emotions of recognition there. I’ve also been playing a lot of video game sequels, games that recreate experiences I have enjoyed in the past.

Posted in: Musings.

Too much and yet too little

Jul 27th, 2011
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

There are 76 days left, and I feel like I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

In an attempt to keep myself busy, I have adopted a lot of projects, mostly things to learn and ways to improve. At the moment, that involves a couple of online courses. Statistics and Financial Accounting. I feel both are worthwhile classes, I just feel so drained at the end of most days that I can barely manage more than an hours worth of studying at a time.

I signed up for these courses in order to help enrich my business school applications, but I find myself wondering if I’ll be able to complete them in time. Maybe I would be better off concentrating on one class or the other, ensuring that I will pass with flying colors before moving on. Perhaps more importantly, I might be better off spending the time I spend on homework on actual business school application work.

Essays could always be written or re-written. I’ve written 15 or so essays for the 4 Stanford prompts and I haven’t yet started on USC or Berkeley’s. I just recently hired a consultant to give me macro suggestions for my essays. My resume could be polished or re-polished. I could be preparing for the letters of recommendation.

There are 76 days until the Stanford applications are due, 76 days until the Berkeley applications are due, and USC hasn’t gotten around to updating their due dates yet this year.

Perhaps the most maddening aspect of the applications are how few things there are to do. A small handful of essays with just a couple thousand words total. A single page resume. A couple of reference letters. A test score. A GPA.

Yet I’m applying to Stanford, the best business school in the world(according to Forbes and the US News & World Report, anyway, The Wall Street Journal thinks Stanford should be ranked in the mid 20s). I can’t just wing all those simple elements.

The test, for example. I figure I could have scored about a 600-650 on the test if I had just walked straight in the door and taken it without study or practice. That would have put me at the very bottom of USC’s 80th percentile range.

Instead, I bought a bunch of books and practice questions ($300 worth, actually). I spent the next 5 months obsessively studying. I averaged 15 questions a day over that period, 2000 total questions. Roughly 2-3 minutes a question, counting review time.

It paid off. I scored a 720 on the test in Bangkok. A 720 is in the 94th percentile, only 6% of all GMAT test takers did equal to or better than me. Unfortunately, a lot of people take the GMAT. 16,000 people got a 720 or better last year. Thats a lot of people who will also be applying for a few spots at top universities.

It’s not all about the GMAT, naturally. Other factors matter. GPA, for example, tells a lot about how well I will do in school. My 3.2 from an unimpressive alma mater (Pacific University, that’s in Stockton, right?) does me no favors. Apparently, under Dean Saloner, Stanford cares a lot about GPA. Consultants love to drop names like that.

I’ve talked to a lot of consultants. There are a set of top notch consultants that promise to optimize your essays and other materials to make sure you have the best possible chance of getting in. These consultants advertise at all of the MBA advice forums and podcasts. They all offer free half hour consultations to try to convince you of their expertise.

A free half hour consultation is a good deal, since their expertise will cost you about $200 an hour. Each consultant I talked to gave me some great advice. One of them, in fact, suggested I take some online quant courses to try to balance my liberal arts education.

I bought 5 hours with the consultant who impressed me the most. Incidentally, this is the only consultant I have not yet talked to on the phone. Unfortunately for the rest of the bunch, their normal business hours are hours that I am either just waking up or wanting to fall asleep. I was exhausted for all the calls (and hung over in one instance).

The point is that it is expensive. Expensive in terms of time and money. I’m spending a lot of tine and money to attempt to get a chance to spend a whole lot more time and money. Hopefully all of these expenses will end up being an excellent investment. I didn’t spend this much time on the first round of college apps. I don’t even think my Senior theses were this tough. I definitely didn’t have as many drafts.

Investment. That’s the phase of my life that I’m in right now. The stage where I don’t want to be where I am anymore, but I do want to be sure that the next stage of my life is better than this one. I’ve been here before. Junior College, applying for the Peace Corps, Applying for Grad School. It’s a tense time, filled with waiting and work, happiness reliant on tomorrow.

I’d prefer that to happiness reliant on yesterday.

Posted in: Uncategorized.

Things are moving along

Jul 7th, 2011
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

Last weekend was considerably easier than the one before. I was able to work through a couple momentary bits of panic and was in an otherwise good mood throughout the weekend.

First thing I did was set up a few connections so I could start being around people again. I’m not entirely sure why I never joined the Rotary club before this, but I searched out their meeting location and time, and made a note on my calendar so I would be sure to attend.

I also sent out messages to a couple of nearby couchsurfers to see if they are interested in meeting for coffee or a drink. We’ll see if anything comes of that.

There was an Eastern Seaboard Directors Club meeting on Tuesday, which happens once a month. The ESDC is an organization for directors in the industrial estate I work in. Meetings involve visiting a nearby factory for an introduction and tour before reconvening at a nearby restaurant for fried food and drinks. Essentially everyone in the club is twice my age or better, so there is a lot of experience to go around. When conversation moves towards experience, I generally have a great time.

This week, we went to a manufacturer of juice boxes (also milk cartons, basically any tall standup cardboard liquid container). They had one of the largest machines I have ever seen putting together the layers of plastic, cardboard, and aluminum. The thing was maybe 200 yards long and hand a couple hundred rollers moving everything along.

I always have to be careful at dinner. It’s the sort of event where you turn your back for a second and your glass is full again.

The next day I went to the Rotary Club meeting. The meetings are held at the Royal Cliff Grand Hotel. It truly is grand. I’ve seen a lot of very nice hotels, and this is one of the nicest. Pain in the butt to get to though, I spent half an hour driving in circles before I found the right road.

The Rotary Club is another group of old white guys. Here the guys have perhaps three times my age on average, but they seem like nice people and do some good things with their time. I enjoyed the meeting. It’s something to do in the middle of the week, we’ll see if it is the right thing for me in due time. If nothing else, it’s a good thing to be a member of.

So now it is Thursday and it will be only the second day this week that I’m actually going home from work. I’ve got to catch up on my studying. I got a B on my first Financial Accounting test. That simply will not do. I must get As in both classes.

Posted in: Uncategorized.

Weekdays are easier

Jun 28th, 2011
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

“Weekdays are easier.”
I’ve said this several times now. To people inquiring about how I am and to myself, as if gingerly probing at a wound not yet scabbed over.

It’s true, weekdays are easier. I really struggled through the weekend, but yesterday wasn’t all that bad. I was able to distract myself and keep busy.

I guess I’m glad I know that the weekdays aren’t painful. I was actually rather productive yesterday. We’ll see if I’m able to eventually turn “not painful” into pleasurable. If every day is like yesterday, I can definitely stick it out until the end of the year. If I’m able to get to pleasurable, I’ll probably be able to make it the full year.

Posted in: Uncategorized.

This is rough

Jun 25th, 2011
by Dean Croshere.
No comments yet

I posted yesterday about the panic attack I had in the hotel room at 3:44 in the morning. I had already been awake for a couple of hours then, and the rest of the day was a constant series of tasks to complete with hardly a moment left to myself. I didn’t get to bed until nearly midnight.

Christie left the country extremely abruptly. All my stuff that was still lingering at her place along with quite a bit of her stuff that she couldn’t take home ended up scattered* about my living room at 2 am.

My plan for today was to relax, watch TV shows on my iPad, and work my condo into reasonable shape.

Turns out, it was a terrible idea.

I spent most of the morning and early afternoon chatting with various friends back home. I found that, as long as I was talking to someone, I was fine.

It was amazing to me how powerful and unexpected the pain could be. It was typically triggered triggered by a relatively insignificant memory of doing something similar with Christie.

That is good old fashioned heartbreak, of course. We’ve all felt it before. The cure is always to surround yourself with friends and go do things you enjoy, probably with beer. Eventually the wound closes, you find someone else, and you move on with your life.

The problem, and probably the reason the pain turns into something resembling a panic attack, is that I’m missing a crucial ingredient from the cure: local friends.

Skype, AIM, Facebook, and phone calls have all been immensely helpful. As I mentioned earlier, I spent most of the day talking to people.

Unfortunately, people in America eventually go to sleep. Luckily, the gap between the people who stay up late and the people Who get up early is pretty small. Still, it does exist.

At about 3 pm (1 am west coast) my stress level started rising. I felt uncomfortable and knew that I would have to find a way to distract myself. By 4pm, I was no longer enjoying anything that I was trying to use to distract myself. I kept hoping that I would find some way to calm down. I started thinking about making plans for the next day to go play golf (or maybe just go now). Maybe, if things got worse, I’d have to call someone to wake them up.

By 5pm, I was panicking. I pulled up this page to start writing. Writing helped me a lot yesterday, so I expected it would help again. I got to the * above before I had to stop. I’m not sure why I waited so long to do so, but I pulled out an called Craig, the closest thing I’ve got to a friend in this country. He lives about 30 minutes away on a golf course.

He said there was no worries if I wanted to come have a chat, so I practically ran out the door. Sitting in the car, driving, having a place to go, a purpose, that calmed me down. By the time I got to his place, I was feeling decent again. We spent a few hours sitting on his porch, drinking beers, having a chat. (He’s British, the slang creeps into my vocabulary after a bit of alcohol)

I’m going to crash at his place tonight, play some golf in the morning. Here is to hoping this just gets better from here.

Posted in: Uncategorized.

← Earlier Posts